I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
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Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”