I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
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Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.