I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
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The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine