I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
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2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
did it work
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.