I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
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the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.