Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…