I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
You Might Also Like
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.