Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

What a year we’ve had this week.