Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

Word!

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*