I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
You Might Also Like
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
shazam but for random noises outside
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
