@RichardDawkins

I can’t think of many people who deserve to go to hell, but people who teach its existence to vulnerable children are prime candidates.

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@VallyOfTheLilly

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

@BlindChow

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

@jakob_huber

“Get me another beer, boy”
“Dad I’m an adult. My name’s Bobby”
“It’s time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B’s in your name are silent”

@JB4Realz

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

@rockymomax

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

@Cool_Jesse

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

@truegritrumble

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

@ArfMeasures

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie