I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
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A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say