I Can’t Tonight…
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You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
😏😏😏
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri