I Can’t Tonight…
You Might Also Like
This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:
“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself