I Can’t Tonight…
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I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Yeah. This was me today.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.