I Can’t Tonight…
You Might Also Like
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.