Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.