Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something