“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
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An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
They did not think through this water fountain
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich