Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

Just how popey was the pope today?

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Bringing home a sharpie

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

Creepy-crawlies

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.