Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!

Me: Christine divorced me

Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!

Me: He stole Christine

Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!

Me: They took the dog

Fb: I KNOW

Me: Why are you doing this

Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

Good morning y’all ☀️

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?