I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
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Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]