Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i would wish you the best but i am the best

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

Many hands make light work

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

I fixed it. For me

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.