I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
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The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
haha same
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious