I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
You Might Also Like
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.