Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

The name Ella is short for Mozzarella

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

This one never gets the credit it deserves

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.