I can’t wait!
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I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
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[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.