I can’t wait!
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[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah