Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that would 100% work on me

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

saving face 👀

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe