Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

guilty

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣