I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
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her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.