Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it