Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

Nothing to do, you say?

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want