Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

Where is your GOD now????

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

Just me and my debit card against the world

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses