I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
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Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys