Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mornin

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.