Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Me when my alarm goes off

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”