Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

True

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.