Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.