I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
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*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I feel attacked.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.