Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.