I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
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Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
#SaturdayBears
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Good morning
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud