Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*