I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
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Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I hope it’s French Onion!
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him