I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
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[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*