I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
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[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.