I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
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The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
hmmmmmm
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Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
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the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me: