i can’t wait that long
You Might Also Like
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg