i can’t wait that long
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was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I have no passwords left in me
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.