I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
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I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
japanese corn
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another