Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean