I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
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Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me