I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
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Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.