Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit