I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
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Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
🖤✌🏽
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?