Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

All I’m saying is that nobody can cook rubbish like last borns. Those creatures can even fry water

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.