Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

Well, this certainly took a turn

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?

Me: *raises hand*

Them: Get out.

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”