Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

Google Pay be like:

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

ibopfufen

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

I love the honesty

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead