Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

sigh

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.