I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
You Might Also Like
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Simple
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.