Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.