Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!