Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice