Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

When the doctor asks about my sex life.