“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.