I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
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What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]