I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
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me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
imagine getting destroyed like this
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Can confirm.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day