“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
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I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*