Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them