“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
This was the best day of my life
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone