Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.