I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
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My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
My flabber has been gasted.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters