I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
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*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.