Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

channeling her this year

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

still the best tweet of the year by far

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.