I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
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I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Practicing safe sax
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
I’m tired tomorrow.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones